I've never seen Star Wars.

Well, that's not exactly true. I saw Episode 1 by accident when I meant to see some Nicholas Sparks' movie with my friend in high school. It was sold out and that's when Episode 1 was released in 3D. I don't remember much about it except that I'm pretty sure there was some sort of vehicle race.

Anyway, since I'm moving to Disney World soon, I figured I should know a thing or two about Star Wars. So I watched Episode Four: A New Hope with my sister, Caroline, and eventually my dad. This is what I thought.

• 20th century Fox music has begun. This is going so well!
• Okay, typical Star Wars music, I know this, I’m ready.
• Scrolling words, scrolling words. I feel like this is plot I should have watched, not read. Shouldn’t I have seen Princess Leia steal the plans? Shouldn't I have formed an attachment to her cause?
• Space. Nothing but space.
• A giant space ship is shooting red and green light at another space ship. Special effects are…well, I bet in 1977 they were something else.
• Okay we're on one of the ships. The golden guy and R2D2 have shown up and boy is golden guy (C3PO?) pessimistic. A robot after my own heart.
• STORM TROOPERS!
• Fight scene. A guy, not a Storm Trooper, has been hit by red light and has a "dramatic" death. I’m unconvinced by the acting that a red light is actually lethal.
• DARTH VADER! WHY YOU SO CREEPY?
• Caroline has informed me he’s the Syth Lord. I’m sure I’ll figure out what that means later.
• She has also informed me Darth Vader is James Earl Jones, aka Mufasa, and I can't unhear that.
• C3PO (I've figured out that's who you are), you are my spirit robot. Yes, we’re all doomed, nothing will work.
• Why do Storm Troopers sound like automated phone people? Aren't they real people in costumes? I've seen The Force Awakens' trailer!
• Princess Leia is BA. Everything I hoped she would be.
• Stand tall Princess Leia! Pretend it's just Mufasa threatening you instead of a guy in a mask!
• I’d watch a movie just about C3PO and R2D2, tbh. They're off in an escape pod because R2D2 has business to attend to and C3PO is afraid. I feel you, C3PO.
• The robots have landed on a Mars-esq place. C3PO is walking off so something bad is going to happen to him. R2D2 looks concerned, which is saying something for a robot with no face.
• NO C3PO YOU IDIOT. DON’T WAVE TO STRANGERS!
• Caroline: oh that fade.
• So we've Power Point transitioned back to R2D2. R2D2, be careful! I’m so afraid for him. It’s a him right? It’s probably not fair to assign a gender to a robot.
• GAH WEIRD CLOAKED THINGS. GET AWAY FROM R2D2!
• EW WHAT IS THAT BUG THING. WHAT ARE THE CLOAKED THING?
• The robot friends have been reunited on the creepy cloaked people ship and I'm glad. C3PO is as pessimistic as ever.
• My dad, expert Star Wars resident of our house, has entered and called the cloaked people “sand people.” Works for me.
• The sand people look like little kids with too big clothes.
• What? Where did Luke come from? Is he friends with the sand people?
• Luke and his uncle are looking at a robot line-up from the sand people. C3PO has been chosen! Ooooooo.
• Aw R2D2 is scared, he wants his friend! Take him too, Luke!
• Oh thank goodness, good job, Luke.
• Ah Luke, existential teenage problems. "I just want to be free!" Some things never change.
• R2D2 is sassy. I like it. Best character so far.
• Luke looks off into the distance. Dramatic music. Red light. Angst. Two suns.
• Wait, there’s more sand people who aren’t sand people… are there any good guys? They're attacking Luke and C3PO because R2D2 ran off. He's like, "peace out, losers. I'm off to complete my mission."
• A hooded figure who looks like Voldemort appears. 
• Oh hey! It’s a kindly man!
• Oh, it’s Obi-Wan the kindly man! I am terrible at this.
• Finally learning what The Force is.
• Still confused what The Force is.
• Luke also seems confused about The Force, which makes me feel better.
• “Fear will keep local stations in line.” Yes, fear, that will work. Great plan, evil person whose name I don't know.
• Oh, sand people are Jawas, and then actual sand people are sand people. Sand people=bad, Jawas= only kind of bad.
  • (This is not going well so far.)
• What?? LUKE'S AUNT AND UNCLE DIE?? This is intense. Luke doesn't seem to care.
• They’re burning the Jawas' bodies and at first I thought R2D2 was warming himself by the fire.
• “These are not the droids you are looking for.” They never are, are they?
• They’re not persuaded by the cuteness of R2D2 at the alien club. He's kicked to the curb.
• Boy oh boy light sabers are dangerous.
• Chewbacca has entered the scene. The party can begin.
• Oh, and he brought Harrison Ford. Swell.
• Harrison Ford kills a guy and strolls out of the bar. Not a joke.
• Fast forward: Luke and Obi Wan hop on Harrison Ford's ship. Harrison Ford is involved with the space mafia. Space battle! Space battle! This is what I came here for.
• Back to my fav, Princess Leia.
• Oh no oh no, what a terrible deal. Do something, Princess Leia!
• Wow, it was way too easy to just destroy a planet.
• Fast forward: Luke and Co. are on the evil ship. Luke and Co. have tricked their way into a control room of sorts.
• Darth Vader, not great with the dramatic moments “I’ve felt something, a presence I’ve not felt since-” walks away. DRAMATIC PAUSES ARE YOUR FRIEND, Darth Vader/Mufasa.
• The Death Star has terrible security on their computer system. That was far too easy for R2D2 to hack into. It'd never make it in the 21st century.
• Luke and Co. minus the droids run off to "save" Princess Leia. Yes, leave the crucial robot behind to defend his cute self. Smart, Luke
• Princess Leia takes the lead in her rescue. As she should, Luke knows nothing, Hans just wants to fight people.
• With the bad guys. Who's skinny sallow faced man? I thought Darth Vader was the head bad guy...
• So glad Princess Leia is here. These other two bozos had no plan.
• There's a lot about this movie that reminds me of Harry Potter. Three people, off to fight evil, led by an old guy...
• The Storm Troopers lack a lot in intelligence. And in aim.
• So confused on how the Storm Troopers are even slightly helpful to the dark side. They can't shoot, they run away from one crazy guy...
• A fight scene with light sabers is an interesting fight scene. But hey, I'm all for an Obi Wan victory.
• WHAT? Obi Wan just let himself get cut down like that??? But why!!! WHY??
• The amount of emotion a robot can convey without words is insane. I heart you R2D2.
• Fight scene fight scene fight scene... in space!
• They ditched the Death Star...for now. If Princess Leia knows they're being tracked, why on earth lead the bad guys straight to the rebels?
• Always the Force, never forget the Force.
• We just met an old friend of Luke's, Biggs, which must mean he's about to die.
• Luke's clichés, I mean, who wrote these lines?
• Awww R2 and 3PO really are friends! BFFS FOR LIFE.
• Even the Death Star can't shoot! CAN ANYBODY AIM HERE?
• Caroline: Luke will make it. He's the main character.
• And surprising no one, Biggs is dead.
• NO NOT R2!!!
• And surprising no one, Luke saves the day and blows up the Death Star.
• Why is Chewy always in the back? And he didn't get a reward!
• Caroline: Chewy Rights 2x16!
• R2D2 is safe! The movie can end happily now.
• It does.
• BUT I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.

Leeann